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I WILL update my journal tomorrow, don't let me forget okay!?

Conversation with Weston

Weston: What happens when you play too much video games?
Ashton: Well, I guess if you played a lot a lot, you could get addicted. Do you know what that means?
Weston: No
Ashton: Hmm, lets see. You know how some people smoke cigarettes? And its really yucky and unhealthy but they still do it anyway? Why do they do that if its bad for them? Its because they are addicted. They have to have it. Their body wants it. Well, if you play TOO much video games, you can become addicted.
Weston: I've gotta stop playing those video games, I dont want no cigarettes.
Ashton: Huh? No. Cigarettes dont have anything to do with the game, I was just trying to tell you what addiction means. I'm just saying, that some people cant live without video games and some people cant live without cigarettes.
Weston: Ive gotta stop those video games.
Ashton: Weston, you dont play nearly enough games to become addicted. You are fine. Sometimes you go outside and play, or watch tv. You're doing a good job not being addicted, so you don't have to worry about it. You can keep playing video games.

Jade: Mommy! mommy! Cigarettes make me DIE!
Ashton: *laugh* Yeah, cigarettes can make you die, you dont ever need to smoke, okay?

Weston: *breaks out into tears* I dont want to die!!!!!!!
Ashton: Weston! You're not going to die! I was just saying that people who smoke cigarettes can die because it hurts their body. Do you smoke cigarettes? No, you dont, you're fine, buddy!
Weston: *still crying and sniffling* But, you said if I play the video games, I'll get cigarettes.
Ashton: Forget I said anything about cigarettes. You wont die if you play video games. EVER. Ever ever ever.
Weston: Okay...
But Ashton, my moms vacuum exploded with smoke.
Ashton: Regular smoke is okay. It can't hurt you, just cigarette smoke because it has chemicals in it. Don't worry about smoke buddy, as long as you don't smoke cigarettes in your mouth, you will be fine.

*5 hours later*

Weston: Can I get sick from TV's too?



Oct. 3rd, 2011

Eric says he isn't getting Jade this coming weekend. He also said that he probably can't get Jade at all this month because his job at Halloween City is busy in October and he's been given the title "Assistant Manager" and he has to work weekends and close.

I can't help but get really depressed about these things. I get really contemplative about my life and Jade's. I think a lot about how she feels. What she thinks about life and how much she understands. I wish I could explain the world to her. I wish she could judge things and make decisions.

I feel so much hurt when she wants to see her Daddy and I can't give her that. I feel helpless. I feel guilty. I blame myself for her not having a mother and father in the same house, at all times. ( I know she loves Jason, and he loves her, and that we give her the best we can, but still, sometimes I can't help but compare it to a life she could have led if her parents were together )

You know, in all reality, it might not have been a world of difference, but the guilty side of me creates this fantastical place where magic happens, all because Jade's parents are together. I just want to give her perfection.

I wonder if she blames me (as much as a 3 year old can) for taking her away from her Daddy at the end of the weekend. Does she think "mommy wont let me stay with Daddy"?

I just wish things were different. I wish I knew more about both sides, both situations, in order to give her the best possibilities. I wish that Eric and I were still on good terms so that I didn't have to wonder. I wish I didn't have to think the worst in him. I just wish I knew.

I just want to give Jade the best. I want her to see her Daddy as much as humanly possible, I want everything to work out the best for everyone but Eric doesn't help me make that happen. He takes these little vacations over and over but doesn't see her, he uses his time off to himself. Thats what it looks like, thats all I see. I can't ask about it thought because I get attacked and guilt tripped. Doesn't he understand that I WANT him to be a good guy? I want to know that his stories check out? He's just too full of pride and defensive, that he can't fathom having to O-M-G explain things to ME of all people.

It makes me sad for Jade that Eric hates me so much. It seems so petty. The only reasons I know of for his hatred are so insignificant and could be worked out if he tried. All it takes is communication and understanding but he refuses to listen. He will hold a grudge for the rest of his life, instead of rising above it for the sake of Jade. What more reason in the world should he need than to be there for his daughter? He should do whatever it takes for her, even if it means mending things with me.

I'm not asking to be his friend. I don't need daily communication. I just want trust. All of this business started on trust and I don't want to resort to paperwork and child support and legal shit. What options do I have? He won't answer me when I ask him the simplest of questions. I never know his reasons for not seeing Jade. I don't know anything about what goes on when shes with him, I dont even know where he lives. He owes me a lot of money, and his time with her is dwindling more and more each year. I'm scared he's going to give up on her. I'm scared he's going to be so wrapped up in his own disappointment in life and use it as a crutch and just give up. But what do I know. I know nothing about him. Far be it for me to make such assumptions.

Jade gets 1 day with her Daddy a week. I feel as if she craves much more. She cries so much when she has to come back to me. It's not that normal "im not getting my way" cry either. It's a devastated, why are you leaving me, cry. All I can do is hold her hand on the way home and wait for her to accept what happened. Show her that I love her, and try to explain to her why things are this way. Whether she understands or not.

Jade's visits with Eric are like a tease to her. I wish I could space their visits further apart if it meant that she could stay with him longer. That way shes not being ripped away so quickly, before she barely has time to settle in. And the drive. 2 hours in the car within 2 days of eachother. every weekend. Its getting old. Just for that little tease.

Why can't I give her more?
Why won't anyone help me?
Why doesn't anyone understand.
Why am I the bad guy?

I don't wanna be hated.
I feel kind of sucky lately. This month is getting to be very stressful.

Ive been feeling lonely as far as friends go, and we've been doing a lot of traveling to Atlanta/Newnan for the last 5 weekends in a row, ugh.

Jason has been really wrapped up in his gaming stuff/fund website/gencon/bands lately, and I just haven't really had a nice weekend in a while it feels like.

this past weekend we went up to atlanta to a 2 yr old pool party. that was kind of relaxing...
Afterwards I made the extra effort to go to Newnan and attend an improv show that 2 of my friends were performing in for the first time. It was a good show and I was excited to hang with a potential plethora of individuals after the show, and the night just fizzled and no one took any notice of us or invited us to hang. So we just went back to my parents house for a boring night and bed.

I feel like I make all these efforts and open chances for people to hang and no one seems to care. I dont think people quite realize how far Newnan is for us and that THEY are the one of the only reasons we come and without that, its a pretty pointless trip. I dont think any of them hate me or anything, they just take it all for granted that I'm there. Like "ah she'll be here all weekend, ill fit her in eventually" and 5pm Sunday rolls around and they invite me over and im like WTF GUYS im leaving.

I guess I just don't want to make the effort anymore. Saturday evening-Sunday alone, I opened up about SEVEN opportunities for people to hang and not a single bite. uber frustrating.

thats just the current blah's on my mind.
It doesn't help that I have a huge paper thats stressing me out thats due at the end of the week and its really hard to do with the kids around. jason is too busy doing his own shit that he doesnt think to help me and i dont feel like asking so i guess its not his fault. he's leaving on thursday to go to Denver for work. he's coming back in wednesday but hopping on another plane to go to Gencon (all expenses paid) until Sunday.

Eric isn't getting Jade this coming weekend so I've got an extra plate than usual, a paper, and loneliness. Go me.

whine post over.


Hey LJ, be my facebook for a minute?

Only the most over-analytical fools (aka me and Jason) would get into a fight about someone elses relationship.



You are a father, with 1 child, split with the mother.

You get to see your child Saturday-Sunday each weekend.

Should you want to take a "vacation" or "weekend trip", is it okay to just say "hey, cant get the kid this weekend"?

Seeing as how you get only about 24 hours with the child to begin with, shouldn't your getaways take place the other 6 days you dont have the child? Or maybe they should just involve the child?

Also, if you were to use a weekend for yourself anyway, shouldn't you ASK the mother if its ok, not just say "i cant take the child"

Also, shouldn't this scenario be just a rare occasion, therefore not a huge deal? Not something that happens 4 times within 3 months?


ETA: But then again, maybe I'm overreacting

It's a day of things

Random urge to update, but nothing to update about

Jason and I have been feeling really stressed and strung out lately. I think the summer is really wearing on us, having the kids so much during the week. These guys are high maintenance I'll tell you that much.

SO we're thinking of taking a vacation together. A little weekend getaway. We still never had a honeymoon or anything like it, so I think I can safely say we deserve this!

Ideas so far:
-Helen, GA: Cute little alpine village, comfy hotel, river tubing?
-Find a random cabin to stay in. Complete relaxation!
-Six Flags? Obviously we could just rent a hotel and have that be part of our getaway, but it would depend on if we're in the mood to have some fun.
-Beach? Early morning sunrises and breezy evenings?

We're shooting for the first weekend of August. Jason is going away for a week for TDY, he'll be in Denver, I think. As far as I know, I will have all the kids by myself that week :( I even have to corral them into a dentist appointment all at once. FUN!!

In other news, there has been so much drama with some of my friends lately. I'm really really not into the drama thing, even though I love talking about things with people but..its just not something I think it worth getting into over a livejournal post. =P
But to sum it up there have been some crazy highs and some suck-ass lows. Lost a friend of two, and have pushed some serious limits in the name of a good time. Woot?
Needless to say, its added some spice/interest in my life lately, but its also been stressful. Who do I think I am running around looking for more stress in my life? I HAVE ENOUGH ALREADY K THANKS.

All this talk about stress is sort of misleading. I am at such a good place in my life, and I can't imagine being anywhere else. I love my family, Im madly in love with Jason (still?! BARF) and we are doing pretty great in life. Honestly, all the stress just comes from me being such a control freak, and thats all there is to it.

I received my Associate Degree last semester, and am now trudging along towards my Bachelor. School is taking way too long. 4 years to get my Associate =/
Oh well. Its been an adventure so far. Slowly working towards a potential good source of income but in the meanwhile being a stay at home mom which saves us a lot of money in daycare.
Caeleigh starts prek next month! Whoa.
Weston starts 3rd grade.
Jade is just pretty.

I had a few more mentionables in mind, but I'm not too concerned with typing anymore so maybe ill come back and add stuff later today :)


I don't have the motivation or creativity to write interesting blog updates but sometimes I get the urge to at least put something down -- because I do read back on my journal entries, and they always seem to surprise me somehow. Gotta keep that memory lane going, even though it may not seem like much as I'm writing it.

Weston: 8
Jade: 3 in 22 days
Caeleigh: 3 1/2

Right now life feels busy, even though we have nothing too demanding in our lives. It's pretty typical. We have the kids sunday, monday, tuesday, and thursday nights. So basically every school night except for Wednesday. I have Jade on some weekends. It seems silly to have to declare it, but we've got a routine down. Certain days I stay home with girls, certain days they go to daycare, Weston has school, I pick him up from school, come home, make dinner, eat dinner, cleanup, bath time, homework, tv/activity time, get ready for bed and BREATHE. Each day these things are pretty back to back and it keeps us running. I say its silly to have to declare it, because most people take it for granted that its just the way life is, but with 3 kids and 4 parents, 3 households, it gets tricky and you really just build a different way of life perhaps. So having a routine is something to be proud of.

Being kid-free on some weekends makes us slightly spoiled as parents. I find that sometimes we take THAT for granted, as if, by definition, parents are supposed to have a few days out of the week without kids. Haha. I forget sometimes that we are not typical parents.
I have to keep myself (and Jason) in check about that from time to time. =)

As far as kids go, I think my relationship and tolerance for Weston is improving, whereas my relationship and tolerance for Caeleigh is being tested in high gear some days. Jade is always testing my patience but somehow my maternal connection with her dulls the bits that might otherwise not be dulled with Caeleigh and Weston. Its hard to say if that will always be the case or not...

Overall, having kids is great. I think it's a very important part of my life and I wouldnt be the same without them. They teach me something new each day, either from their small child eyes or by indirectly revealing something about myself I might have missed before. Each day I think about their future and what type of person they will be in 10 years. Where would my life be without them?

As far as marriage goes! I can't believe I'm a married woman. (The wedding was great and not so great, but that post is for another day) I've been married for 2 months now (time flies) and honestly its been just as wonderful as it was when we weren't married ;-)

It warms my heart to be able to say 'wife' and 'husband', but otherwise, we're still just as romantically mushy as before. (Okay maybe a little moreso) I dont know what it is about us, but life is just RIGHT. I dont really have to analyze why we work together so well or worry about 'handling' things just right so it doesnt get messed up down the road. We just flow so well each and everyday. Don't question what works, right?

I'm excited about my future, I have to say. I'm very curious about what lies ahead, and I feel like we're going to be something great. Hursts, rockin' it.

Events as of late.

My grandfather died the Saturday before Thanksgiving. It was a rough time for some of my family but I think it was his time. I enjoyed his funeral service and learned some new things about him. It was nice to see so many people come show their support.
I was never really close with my grandpa (or grandma) and I think they were both a little bitter that I never come to visit even though I live in the area. Because of this, I felt a little awkward the last time I saw grandpa when he had come out of the hospital. I gave him a hug and told him to take it easy...he never really said a word the entire time I was there but I don't know if it was because he didn't feel good or because he was irritated that I don't come around except when I need something. (I was there to pick up my wedding photos)

I can understand how that looks, but honestly its not as cold-hearted as that. I live 20 minutes away and don't come to that side of town very often, and if I do, its because I have something that needs to be done on that side of town. I was never actually invited over, it was always just an open invitation with them. I could have made more of an effort but its not always that easy when you have tons of other things on your plate. When you have plans with dates and times, the 'open invitations' tend to be overlooked.
I don't want to make it out like I have to defend myself, I guess I just want Grandma (now) to be understanding -- as was I of their reactions. RIP Grandpa Holt

Then on Dec. 3 my dad had a mild heart attack. He was basically in a lot of pain for a day or so at the hospital, and after everything was checked out and confirmed, he got stents put in to take care of the blockages. He did not have any heart damage, which is super good. It was a bit scary to learn of the attack, after last October he had a major stroke.

Over the last year my dad has been on the fast track to recovery, physically. He regained his speech and mobility within days and weeks. He was diagnosed with Diabetes and has changed his diet and lost somewhere around 30 lbs. He has also stopped smoking for good (even though my mom still smokes) and he looks and feels good.
Unfortunately in June he lost his job due to his department shutting down and I'm not sure what they are doing with that. It seems to me that he's just retiring.
My dad is a little different than he used to be in some ways, and very much the same in others. He is slower, more careful, and a bit anxious about things. He still seems to have some anger issues and OCD qualities. I think he has lost a lot of confidence in his mental abilities and they seem to think he won't be able to find a job because he can't do what he used to be able to do. Not sure if thats a cop-out though or not.

Overall I think he's doing great and I was pretty surprised to hear about the heart attack considering his progress. I guess some things just take a while to rear their head though.

Then there's Jason's Grandpa Hurst. His grandparents have been living with his parents for a long time now and lately he hasn't been faring so well. He was put in the hospital with pneumonia a couple weeks ago, and no one thought he was going to make it but he's actually back at home now in his previous state. As Paula puts it: "He is about the same some good days some not so good. He is a good patient though never complains and can always get a laugh out of him."
From what I understand his blood pressure is always changing, up and down. Jason and I have taken care of him a few times over the past few months and can tell he's just tired and seemingly ready to go.

So its been a busy couple months as far as medical emergencies go.

(Chad also punched a wall, hit a stud, and dislocated and fractured his hand sunday night. Now he'll have pins in his hand for a month. Gotta love the anger management my family practices)


I am so incredibly at the short end of my rope.

None of these 3 children will listen to me! It's not just normal not listening its just, continuous, never-ending, crippling disregard.

Jade is at her worst right now. She's going through a horrific mean streak and she's screaming "mine" and "no" at anyone around, and Caeleigh is always crying because Jade hits her. So thats one things thats been a problem, because she's having to go into time-out 10 times a day, but it doesn't do anything, I think she actually enjoys time-out. I gotta figure something else out.
Then theres just regular stuff like asking her to stop something, or just trying to get her attention to ask her a question. I've gotten in the habit of saying "Jade, look at Mommy" every time I talk to her because otherwise I'm wasting my breath.
But then half the time, that doesn't even work and she deliberately stares AWAY from me so she can pretend not to listen.

All I do all day is yell or make commands and it's getting tiring! Why can't a simple nice request suffice? Why can't I get through to any of my children.

For the longest time I could get Jade to listen by ending a sentence/question with "okay?"
"Jade please don't do that, okay?"
And she would say "okay!" and move on. What happened to that????

Half the time I don't even know if they even HEAR me or if they are just in their own world. Ignoring or just zoned out?

Weston has always been like this, so thats nothing new, maybe I'm just getting very short lately because it's so frustrating to NEVER be listened to. I feel like I have no say in anything and everyone just looks at me as this person that says stuff an is best to be ignored.
I just speak so much to them that they're so used to it and don't even realize when I'm there or not.

I'm really just so incredibly tired of it.
Sounds like normal mom-whining but NO! I can't stress enough how much authority I don't have in this household.
Threats of spankings or time-outs or whatever the case may be...they do nothing for these children. And its not like I never follow through, I always follow through..

It's getting out of hand. I am the mother dammit and when I say pick up your toys, or heck even "come over here", I freaking mean do it! I am always having to chase Jade down, she thinks everything is a game. Ugh, do I really have one of THOSE?
The thing with a 2 year old is, no matter how much you demand they pick up toys, no matter how many time outs or spankings they get for not doing it -- if they don't want to do it, you can't make them! And you end up being the one to do it anyway.
Trust me when I say that happens 99% of the time. I don't think I've ever got Jade to do it. Even by trying to make a game out of it. I've played nice, I've played understanding, I've played mean, I've played firm, I've played patient. None of it works.

The thing with Weston is that really in the long-run he frustrates me so much, but doesn't frustrate Jason at all. So I have convinced myself its best to just back off of that situation, let him run amuck and do ridiculous things because its not my business. How retarded is that. It's not worth the stress if Jason doesn't even care. Why be the evil stepmother?

Caeleigh isn't ridiculously out of control at all at this point but she seems to have something in the way of receiving messages lately. I typically have to say her name at least 3 times, progressively louder, before she snaps up "huh??" Okkay....lost in her own thoughts, big deal. But then I tell her things, while she's looking right at me and she just gets this "I dont understand" look. And she hesitates, feeling like she should do something btu she isn't sure what. And they are all simple things that I know she is capable of doing/understanding but I think she is overthinking it.

*sigh* I think I'm done ranting now.
I tend to run out of steam pretty quickly.

I'm just tired. I'm so tired of working 2x harder because i'm having to repeat everything I say and do plus some in order to get day to day things accomplished.
It's a phase, right?

Jade is a smarty pants

just because it excites me

Jade recognizes almost everything in this book she has. 46/57 is awesome considering i've never read this book with her before!

got it: cat, dog, bunny, fish, bear, elephant, tiger, frog, monkey, zebra, lizard
dont got it: kangaroo

got it: apple, cheese, cookie, birthday cake, egg, milk, bananas, carrot
dont got it: candy, peanuts, tomato, sandwich

got it: car, rubber duckie, airplane, teddy bear, doll, wagon, basketball, bouncy balls, blocks
dont got it: shovel, top

got it: shoes, bow, hat, shirt, dress, socks, pants, boots,
dont got it: cap, pajamas, gloves

House stuff
got it: house, lamp, couch, spoon, cup, fork, bowl, pot, phone, clock, chair
dont got it: mop