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Oct. 3rd, 2011

Eric says he isn't getting Jade this coming weekend. He also said that he probably can't get Jade at all this month because his job at Halloween City is busy in October and he's been given the title "Assistant Manager" and he has to work weekends and close.

I can't help but get really depressed about these things. I get really contemplative about my life and Jade's. I think a lot about how she feels. What she thinks about life and how much she understands. I wish I could explain the world to her. I wish she could judge things and make decisions.

I feel so much hurt when she wants to see her Daddy and I can't give her that. I feel helpless. I feel guilty. I blame myself for her not having a mother and father in the same house, at all times. ( I know she loves Jason, and he loves her, and that we give her the best we can, but still, sometimes I can't help but compare it to a life she could have led if her parents were together )

You know, in all reality, it might not have been a world of difference, but the guilty side of me creates this fantastical place where magic happens, all because Jade's parents are together. I just want to give her perfection.

I wonder if she blames me (as much as a 3 year old can) for taking her away from her Daddy at the end of the weekend. Does she think "mommy wont let me stay with Daddy"?

I just wish things were different. I wish I knew more about both sides, both situations, in order to give her the best possibilities. I wish that Eric and I were still on good terms so that I didn't have to wonder. I wish I didn't have to think the worst in him. I just wish I knew.

I just want to give Jade the best. I want her to see her Daddy as much as humanly possible, I want everything to work out the best for everyone but Eric doesn't help me make that happen. He takes these little vacations over and over but doesn't see her, he uses his time off to himself. Thats what it looks like, thats all I see. I can't ask about it thought because I get attacked and guilt tripped. Doesn't he understand that I WANT him to be a good guy? I want to know that his stories check out? He's just too full of pride and defensive, that he can't fathom having to O-M-G explain things to ME of all people.

It makes me sad for Jade that Eric hates me so much. It seems so petty. The only reasons I know of for his hatred are so insignificant and could be worked out if he tried. All it takes is communication and understanding but he refuses to listen. He will hold a grudge for the rest of his life, instead of rising above it for the sake of Jade. What more reason in the world should he need than to be there for his daughter? He should do whatever it takes for her, even if it means mending things with me.

I'm not asking to be his friend. I don't need daily communication. I just want trust. All of this business started on trust and I don't want to resort to paperwork and child support and legal shit. What options do I have? He won't answer me when I ask him the simplest of questions. I never know his reasons for not seeing Jade. I don't know anything about what goes on when shes with him, I dont even know where he lives. He owes me a lot of money, and his time with her is dwindling more and more each year. I'm scared he's going to give up on her. I'm scared he's going to be so wrapped up in his own disappointment in life and use it as a crutch and just give up. But what do I know. I know nothing about him. Far be it for me to make such assumptions.

Jade gets 1 day with her Daddy a week. I feel as if she craves much more. She cries so much when she has to come back to me. It's not that normal "im not getting my way" cry either. It's a devastated, why are you leaving me, cry. All I can do is hold her hand on the way home and wait for her to accept what happened. Show her that I love her, and try to explain to her why things are this way. Whether she understands or not.

Jade's visits with Eric are like a tease to her. I wish I could space their visits further apart if it meant that she could stay with him longer. That way shes not being ripped away so quickly, before she barely has time to settle in. And the drive. 2 hours in the car within 2 days of eachother. every weekend. Its getting old. Just for that little tease.

Why can't I give her more?
Why won't anyone help me?
Why doesn't anyone understand.
Why am I the bad guy?

I don't wanna be hated.